“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters,” Epictetus, a Greek Stoic philosopher once said.

Rarely do things go exactly as planned, especially during the holidays and especially with our older relatives. Honestly, have the holidays ever gone exactly to plan? Does any day really go as planned?

As we approach Thanksgiving and Christmas, let’s consider what the ultimate objective is. For each person this answer will be different. For me, it is to enjoy precious time with my friends and family. It feels like time is a commodity all of us wish we could get more of. 

Upholding traditions is also important but not at the expense of the quality of everyone’s experience.

Here are some best practices for enjoying the holidays with your older loved ones. 

Focus on what can be realistically accomplished. We must not get caught up in how things are supposed to go. Let your expectations evolve as your family changes. 

Let’s use the stuffing as an example. Everyone expects your mom to make her famous stuffing recipe which she has done for as long as you can remember. But now you notice that it is hard for her to go shopping for ingredients and then follow the recipe to make enough for everyone. Also, last year’s didn’t taste quite right. You are not sure you want her to make it this year. 

Are you even sure that she still wants to make the stuffing? We can also let our traditions evolve, however that may look for each of us. 

Keep the lines of communication open. Keeping with the stuffing example, it makes sense to find out what mom really wants. Does she still want to make it herself the way she always has? Or maybe she never wants to prepare stuffing ever again in her whole life. There’s a reason they say what they say about assumptions! Ask her how involved she wants to be. If she wants to continue making her famous stuffing, perhaps ask her if she can teach you how to make the recipe and you can do it together.

Give your friends and family a heads-up family about the new traditions so they can be on board too. 

Keep things simple. In my mind, it is better to do just a few things well rather than try to do all of the things and stress myself out too much. My family benefits more from my presence than from anything else. If I am unhinged, everyone else feels that too. Think about what traditions can be simplified without losing their meaning. Simplify meals, consider potlucks and don’t be afraid to outsource and order some or all of the food.

Don’t overcommit. Be selective about what you choose to do with your family and their energy and interest levels. Do you really need to go to all of craft fairs and cookie swaps?

Consider their safety and comfort. Most importantly, be sure they have any medications they may need as well as hearing aids and glasses. Look at the gathering spaces with the needs of your loved ones in mind. Where will they sit? Would they prefer a chair with arms? Will they be able get to bathroom easily enough? 

Keep an eye on their comfort and energy levels and modify activities when you need to. Consider the volume of the music, climate control, time of day and offer them frequent rest breaks. Choose things to do that are more easily accessible which will turn out to be less stressful for everyone. 

Also consider if it would be too overwhelming or confusing for them to join. Maybe find some ways to bring the holidays to them. Embrace new traditions. Make space to grieve that things aren’t the way they used to be. Change is hard so don’t discount that, but it can also be good. Allowing traditions to evolve and adapt over time proves that change can be good. Take time to reflect on what goes well, even if it is not how you expected it to be. After all, it isn’t about what happens but how we react that matters, right?

Michelle Woodbrey is the co-founder of 2Sisters Senior Living Advisors and a contributing expert for ECDOL. She has been working in the field of senior living for over 20 years.