“Always buy the watermelon.”

The podcast host I was listening to was sharing a collection of listeners’ advice and tips for summer, and up until this point I had been feeling fairly meh about most of the ideas. There was some good content, but most felt more applicable to different families, stages, and environments.

But these few words, as simple and non-life-altering as they were, resonated in my soul. Yes, I thought, now that is wisdom! 

It provided both confirmation of our current habits and renewed commitment to our future habits. I don’t want to say we buy a watermelon every single time we see one … but also we might. If a summer day goes by that we don’t eat at least a few bites of watermelon, it feels like deprivation. We are so attached to a norm of constant watermelon that I never even put a lid on the container in the fridge; we need straightforward access. Ain’t nobody got time to open lids. 

Though the phenomenon is fortunately rare, I know people exist who “don’t prefer” watermelon. In fact, I know a few of them personally — and though it’s difficult, through the largesse of my heart, I remain civil with them. Perhaps even genuinely friendly! Even so, I always feel a sense of shock and dismay at such culinary desolation. Can you even have summer without watermelon?

I asked Benson how he feels about people who don’t like watermelon. His immediate answer, with a smirk: “Not good.”

But at least that leaves more for us. There is nothing that can hydrate my children quite so well as watermelon (except maybe Brian’s gatorade that they pilfer), and considering that it’s 92% water, that makes sense. It’s pretty obvious on mouths and fingers if the kids have been eating things like chocolate or cheetos; watermelon has its own distinct tell. Although, while I was referencing the over-hydration effect, I guess watermelon is also very obvious on their faces, hands, and generally whole bodies, as well as the entire surrounding area. Everything, and I do mean everything, gets remarkably sticky. 

Banishing the watermelon-eating to the outdoors helps the floor, at least. Although on our farm, that can get a little interesting: the hens are free-range, and there may be nothing more enticing to a chicken than melons. Kiah is barely above eye-level with the chickens, and we have over 50 of them. That girl is tough, but I’m not sure even she could stand her ground if the ladies saw her holding a slice. 

Fortunately, watermelon is one of the few foods that has a built-in safeguard for melon-loving poultry. My kids might eat all trace of red, yet only sometimes are they dedicated enough to chomp far into the white and never into the green, so there’s always a load of rind treats for the hens. 

As a side note, chickens are definitely not the only animals to adore watermelon, so if you need a quick pick-me-up sometime, look up animals eating watermelons. Benson went through a phase of wanting to daily watch a clip of zoo animals, from turtles to bears to hippos, chowing down on watermelons. It was oddly satisfying. 

Another of watermelon’s amazing traits is that to serve it, all you do is cut it. Right, there are all sorts of things you can do with watermelon, and you can be sure I’ve experimented with lots. But in the end, I just want watermelon. If you volunteer to bring watermelon somewhere, no one asks how you’re going to prepare it — it’s watermelon, and we eat it with joy. 

That is, if you have one. So remember, always buy the watermelon.

Cubed Watermelon

This is cheating to call this a recipe, I’ll admit. But it’s also The Thing we do with watermelon! Since slicing is serving, the way you cut up a watermelon can really change the experience of eating it. I find it charming how many different styles people choose to get watermelon ready, both their end goal shape and their way of getting there. I could almost write another article about that…in fact maybe I will. After I clean up another round of watermelon sticky.

Prep tips: you can use a similar method to de-rind cantaloupes and honeydews. 

• a watermelon of your choice; chilled

• optional but unnecessary: flaky salt; fresh key/lime juice; tajin; crumbled feta; minced mint or basil

Rinse off the watermelon, then place on a large (preferably rimmed to catch the juice) cutting board. Using a large sharp knife, cut off both poles of the melon, then stand upright on a now-flat end. Cut off the rind by slicing down along the curve, rotating the melon as you cut off the slabs of rind. Once you’ve removed all the rind, set the watermelon down on a side, and slice it into 1-inch wheels. Set the wheels down flat, and cut in a crosshatch pattern into cubes – l like them large bitesize to minimize juice run. Try not to eat it all right away.

Contact Amanda Miller at hyperpeanutbutter@gmail.com.