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Exclusive! Advance transcript of the next Republican presidential debate
Dick Polman

The second Republican presidential debate is less than two weeks away, co-hosted by the Fox Business network, and I know you must be excited. But there’s no need to wait, because I have exclusively obtained an advance transcript!

HOSTS: “Welcome to the second Republican presidential debate! We are honored to help you, the American people, make informed choices. To start, we’d like to ask the candidates for a show of hands. The Republican National Committee has a new loyalty pledge. Who here is willing, if the opportunity presents itself, to go to prison for Donald Trump?”

VIVEK RAMASWAMY: “I’m the only person on this stage who not only would go to prison for him I’d insist on rooming with him and if he splits his prison pants I’d sew ‘em for him if he can’t bend over far enough I’d tie his shoes for him if he needs to lowball his weight I’d lie for him and nobody else here will do what I’d do because they’re bought -and-paid-for lackeys of the administrative state and because – “

HOSTS: “Governor Christie, we noticed you failed to raise your hand.”

CHRIS CHRISTIE: “The real issue here is why isn’t Joe Biden going to prison with Hunter Biden. Because the evidence is overwhelmingly factual that Joe Biden is in fact the proven father of Hunter Biden.”

HOSTS: “Governor DeSantis, do you agree with what Governor Christie just said?”

RON DeSANTIS: “Notice that Governor Christie never said he’d take the pledge and go to prison for the former president. We need a straight shooter in the White House and not only would I jail myself for Trump, I’d root out every inmate who’s woke, shoot ‘em stone cold dead, and slit their throats before they read page one of a banned book – “

RAMASWAMY: “I’ll swipe a dining utensil and make a shiv with my own bare younger-generation hands and jam it between the shoulder blades of any lib watching MSNBC in the TV room – don’t interrupt me! – and during exercise hour I’ll be the prison yard wingman for the best president of the 21st century – “

HOSTS: “Vice President Pence, you seem to be tut-tutting what Mr. Ramaswamy is promising.”

MIKE PENCE: “As to the urgent question you’ve put before us, I solemnly upheld the Constitution on Jan. 6 but I also gave my life to Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, so if God were to text me and say that going to prison for the man whom I so proudly served for four years is the right and just thing to do, then I would gladly bunk with him in the full confidence that our corrections facilities no longer hang people – “

NIKKI HALEY: “Would Mike really follow through on that promise? Margaret Thatcher once said that if you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. So here’s what I would do. I would seek common ground. I would lead. If the American people are willing to elect someone who’s in jail, which they’re not willing to do, then I would decline to join him in jail – but I will be the first woman on this stage willing to join him in jail if the American people are willing to elect someone in jail. That’s what leadership is all about.”

HOSTS: ”Senator Scott, you’ve been quiet, will you sign the new Trump fealty pledge?”

TIM SCOTT: “Going to jail for that great man would greatly upset my girlfriend, my swell girlfriend Marcia, and by the way I do have a girlfriend, her name is Mulva, as I hope the party donors know. But the bigger question we should all be asking ourselves is this: Why do Democrats want women to have abortions up to one year after birth? Or maybe the bigger question before us is, who else on this stage would fire Merrick Garland on Day One –”

DESANTIS: “And Dr. Fauci, too! I‘d sit him down in the prison cafeteria, fire him, stick him in solitary on the Woke Block, then hand him over to my vax-free Florida Nazis.”

CHRISTIE: “You can’t fire Dr. Fauci. He retired.”

DESANTIS: “Says who! Name me one book in Florida that says that!”

HALEY: “Can’t we all agree that we want to be respectful and seek consensus, that we want to humanize not demonize? There’s no place for hate in America, and don’t all Americans agree that Joe Biden is so old he’d die in prison?”

RAMASWAMY: “Shut up, you Super PAC puppets! Not only would I be Trump’s prison wingman, I’d even be his ...”

MIKE PENCE: “Please, sir, no blasphemy! Mother is in the audience!”

HOSTS: “OK, that’s all we have time for. Good night America!”

Dick Polman, a veteran national political columnist based in Philadelphia and a Writer in Residence at the University of Pennsylvania, writes at Email him at